I need to write - this one is for me.
I need to write.
I haven't written consistently (ever) and that may never change. However, when I have such an epiphany, an awakening, I feel the need to share to everyone who wants to listen. What is important to realize, it is this is about me, this may not apply to you and may not be anything you even care about. I write for me usually, this whole blog started as a way to document stuff I was doing, so it would be easier to write my annual review by looking at my blog and seeing what I did. Simple and productive right? :-)
Ok, so let's talk about the epiphany. I'll do the TLDR; right now:
I'm not a type A personality, I enjoy simple life, and I do not have to impress anyone with any job title, position, bank account, car, house, or talent.
Now the longer story... I have accomplished a lot in my life, usually pursuing some form of knowledge, some challenge, or someone thinking I can't do something. I rarely pursued things for myself. RARELY. I've never thought about the why behind my motivations. I just did things. Dance, Jujitsu (traditional and jiujitsu for those Brazilians ;) ), Television, Theater, Computers, Races, Video Games, APA Pool Leagues, Swimming, Drinking competitions, Crossfit, Microsoft, Army, etc...
I never knew why I did it, I just saw it and did it because I felt compelled for some reason to keep up, to push myself. I was lucky enough to have some breathing room throughout my life and really enjoy it but not sure why I enjoyed it. I felt guilty for enjoying life because I wasn't working hard enough. You have to work hard to be successful right? WRONG. You can get lucky. You can live an amazing life without having to work yourself to the bone. You can have a great family, great friends, and some material things without having to sell your soul or every waking minute to the grind.
I had a real interesting talk with my wife last night. Truly amazing for me. She said, "I think you are trying to be something you don't want to be. You don't have to be that."
I'm not an entrepreneur. I am a diligent worker and a great manager. That doesn't mean I need to jump from startup to startup after each successful exit strategy trying for the next great thing.
What does it mean?
It means, I'm loyal. It means I love solving problems. It means I love having a list and finishing it. I don't need to win a competition, but I do need to finish the game. I am driven by completion not by winning. I am driven by taking a team to a released product. I love prototyping... but then working on it and then releasing a production version. I love iterating on a project making the most efficient, introducing new processes where needed and new technology to make it better and faster.
I woke up today and was well rested and relieved by a ton of bricks were left on the ground last night. I don't need to carry that any more. I don't need to impress my friends with my skills. If they are my friends, they will love me as I am. I am a developer, coder, engineer, code monkey, hacker, and that is enough.
We have heard the Oprah speeches, the Maya Angelou poems, and the various social media comments over the years about - You are enough. I never knew what that meant... I thought it was some dribble to sell another book, to feel like they made some impact on someone for their own narcissistic fantasies, or to simply get the attention they crave.
You are enough.
That is what I realized today. I may have an amazing house, great cars, a phenomenal job, and the most beautiful and smartest wife on the planet. However, the only thing that matters is that I realize that I am enough.
I can pursue anything. I can also pursue nothing. I can choose.
I can make wrong choices and then choose again. I can make great choices and then choose to stop.
The epiphany is simply that - I can choose the life I want. It is my decision to be what I want to be and then let it happen.
I have to thank God for blessing me with my wife who he speaks through on a daily basis. My wife for all of her insight, patience, and support over the years. I am so excited about my new found freedom and journey.
I live in Brooklyn, NY via Atlanta, Seattle, New Orleans, and Florida. All of those stops made an impact. I highly encourage you to find your path. If you need help, let me know. I've learned a lot and love to help.
Thanks for reading this, it means a lot to me that you took the time.